Today is Not Forever

5 survival tips for overwhelmed moms

A young mom and dear friend, very pregnant with her third baby in about as many years, reached out to me recently and confessed guilt and general anxiety about motherhood and some of her negative feelings about it. “How did you juggle so many kids at the same time?” she asked, “I can’t even imagine how I will manage.”

I’m going to share some of my response to her here because I know she’s not alone. Every mom struggles, and some years (especially the early years!) are harder than others. If “struggle” describes how you spend some of your time these days, then please read this letter as a personal one, addressed to you:

Dear Overwhelmed Mama,

You are doing great! I really mean that. Even on bad days where it doesn’t feel like it, you are a good mom, and you are doing such good and important work that only you can do.

But also. What you are feeling is so very normal. I think you might need to hear someone say that. It’s normal to feel maxed out when you are…well, maxed out. It’s not comfortable to stretch and grow. It doesn’t always feel good to make sacrifices every hour of the day and night and to look into the future and see that this way of life will continue for many days to come.

You can truly LOVE motherhood, but not love every moment of it. You can truly LOVE your vocation, but sometimes not love even a longish season of it. You can know that motherhood is a beautiful calling, but some of the nitty-gritty daily grind of it can feel not so beautiful at all.

It’s okay to admit that it’s hard.

A friend of mine once told me that she wanted to be a runner, but felt that she wasn’t cut out for it. “Every time I try,” she said, “I just get so out of breath.”

Well, yes. That’s part of it.

And the same thing applies to motherhood. Do you feel uncomfortable? That’s part of it. Do you sometimes even feel so out of breath you think you must stop or you might die? That’s part of it. Especially when you’re starting out, it can feel extraordinarily hard, even impossible and like it makes no sense at all, but that doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong or you aren’t made for it.

"Heaven better be real good," my sister once complained to me over the phone as a stomach virus raged through her household. "Not just a bunch of people standing around talking to each other. I mean real good."

Some days, in the midst of sacrifice, all we want is some tangible assurance that our efforts will be rewarded. On days where I felt stretched to the limit, I sometimes found that it helped to stop and force myself to realize at least this much: Today is not forever. Each stage of our motherly lives, however long it might seem, is exactly that–a stage, a step, a passing, fleeting season. I now know the truth of that more than ever.

"Why do you like being a mom?" a frustrated young mom asked me once on Instagram. "What is so positive about it? Don't you find the fact that you can't drink a cup of tea without interruptions and demands depressing?"

Well, yes I do. Absolutely, sometimes I do.

More often than not, though, I find that the rewards of family life are mixed right in with its crosses.

Marriage and family life are a wild jumble of sacrifice and joy, tears and gratitude. With each new baby, the tears and the joys are only multiplied.

If nothing else, my years of mothering have taught me that it's okay not to be super woman. It's okay to admit that it's hard. Because sometimes it truly is. And sometimes we know that it will be for many days to come. But not forever.

But sometimes, even when we know it will not last forever, and even when we know that feeling “out of breath” is part of it, we need some help. And that’s normal too.

I encourage you to think about the kinds of things you need.

Some ideas:

1. Prayer: It will not look like pre-motherhood days, but are you rooted in daily prayer? You need to spend time in God’s presence so He can remind you how precious you are and so that He can fill you with the grace you need to do the seemingly impossible all day, every day. What is do-able for you and how can you make it a greater priority? What can daily prayer look like now?
   

2. Breaks: Have breaks built in each day and each week. Can you establish a routine where your husband (or someone else) handles bathtime/bedtime (or whatever, whenever it is) and you get 30 minutes to lie down, read a magazine, or just stare at a wall? Can you work a longer break into your weekly schedule, even if it means trading with a friend or hiring a sitter? It makes a huge difference when you know that regular breaks are “built in” and that you are not interminably on the baby train with no stops.
   

3. Your own stuff: Do you have your own pursuits that you enjoy? Not work, necessarily, but hobbies or creative outlets? Reading, writing, drawing, or trying new recipes? You need your own stuff that makes you feel joyfully human and alive. Hobbies are essential for a mom.
   

4. Boundaries: One thing I have noted among many young moms is that they have no boundaries with their kids. Toddlers pull their hair, eat from their plates, follow them into the bathroom, and grab at everything in their hands. While some of this is normal, even babies as little as yours are now can be taught that mama is a human being with her own space, feelings, and needs. It takes persistence, but even very young children can be trained to respect your boundaries in ways that ultimately lead to a healthier, more loving relationship between you, leaving you feeling less drained and abused at the end of the day. Husbands can be super helpful in seeing what these boundaries should be and helping to enforce them!
   

5. Quiet: This happens naturally with nap times, but even as kids grow older and need fewer naps, having established “quiet time” for an hour or so each day is a gift to them and to you. You get to make the rules, but something like only allowing resting, quiet games or reading books during quiet time is a good start and can allow you to have built-in respite each day.

I hope some of this is helpful. I really mean it when I say you are doing a great job! You truly are, and it is such important work you are doing every day, even when it feels pointless and stupid and like you might be failing at it. God sees your hidden sacrifice and faithfulness when you keep showing up, loving, and trying again. He sees you and loves you more than you can know. 

I am praying for your peace and strength. You got this, and you are a beautiful mom. God bless you and your awesome family. I am so proud of you.

Photo by Trym Nilsen on Unsplash